Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in cradle_slave's LiveJournal:

Saturday, November 6th, 2004
7:45 pm	oh shit Man its been a trying few days, first of all yesterday Neil and I went without gange all day long and then I found out that my art teachers have decided to drop me from A2 cos Im too much of a lazy shity cunt really, and couldnt have been arsed to do the work, then neil and Tom came round mine and we went out for about 5 bongs each and then a spliff before comeing home and getting busted then having another and all teh time lissening to hnis streange trippy music, and slept then Tom and I went into Reading with mike and my money didnt come through so I looked like a cunt and a charety case again then came home had massive row, I have just had a joint and pissed off Tanith coz I spoke to her and Im too fucked and I miss her and still love her I guess but all I said was Hi, I think shes on her period and shes certianlty getting fucked about at collage, those fucking cunts hurting her, I wanna kill teh bastards, I feel nothing but rage and contempt for them, shes back now, maybe I can salvage the situation, bye Current Mood: Stonned Current Music: Metallica - Orion (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 31st, 2004
6:10 pm	Wake up call. Well todays been rather relaxed for once, woke up late, discoverd the clocks had gone back an hour so I infact had woken up earlier then usual, did sod all but some research into body mod, done a fairold bit so I can just simply do write up tonight, fun fun fun!!! got some good stuff though, few ideas for my own designs for my arms! Also finsihed the pen forteh chicks today with sparrow netting, John'O brought them round today, he brought 4 instead of 3 but thats all good, more chicks the better, their so adorable too, their black scruffy lil buggers about the size of a tissue box on its side, (virtically) and he assuresme their going to turn into a dark kinda blue with orangey gold necks, wheyy!!!!!! Just got back from fishing with John'O for about 2 hours, short trip but it got dark quickly and we didnt wanna loose any gear, plus I have work to do, I think I'll go design a few tats in a min, get some practise in.... was thinking about Tanith again earlier, I dont miss her atm,but I want to be near her, just get a hug off her or something every now and then and simply talk like we used to. I'll go see her sometime soon I think, that'll sort me out.. Anyway back to work. Current Mood: complacent Current Music: Immortal - Tyrants (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 30th, 2004
7:11 pm	hmmm...... ok I just had a look through this, I seem as a result like a complete hot-head, Im not. Im just really tierd recently and when Im tierd I get less tehn pleasant at times I guess, plus this is my journal so I can write what I really feel, not how I'd be around people. Anyway recently I've been getting stonned alot and writeing in here when comeing down, plus Beaver died the other day and she was ment to be in my care, so guess things like that have gotten to me aswell. Im also bloody bored of life and feeling frustraited with it alot at teh moment I've noticed, its just so boreing, Talking to Tanith atm, I miss her so much at times, oh well, no point dreaming of something that'll never happen again, so bugger it. Just lissening to a bit of Maiden atm, back hurts like hell after just putting up a chicken pen for the 8month old chicks Im getting tomorrow, 3 of the lil buggers, so that'll be cool...... Just going to do some coursework tonight I think, might aswell do aload tonight instead of doing it all tomorrow and getting a bit bored and distracted to say the least.... anyway thats about it... Current Mood: uncomfortable Current Music: Immortal - Wrath From Above (Comment on this)
2:32 pm	Decend The Shades Of Night quick update, Spent most of this week from Mon to weds getting stonned at Ali's which was fun, came home on weds to go snowboarding on thurs, snowboarding was full when we got there so had to do fuckin ski-ing, that was a peice of piss, was ok towards the end though, Tom stayed round thurs night, and we all went upto the RAF camp on fri to see monkey who was down, John'o came along, Tom got pissed off his face, acted like a twat most of the night, got pissed off at the end and stormed off home, I was less then Impressed but would of gone after him If I wasnt looking out for John'O who stayed at mine last nightthen went fishing in the morning before I woke up, right now Im fucked off with the world, tierd, want a fight to kicktehshiot out of some twat who deserves it and, got practically a whole bloody art project to do tonight, plus AS work, gotta fucking calm down coz Im obviously a bastard who's always wrong and don'ty deserve shit, plus gotta clear out my room of everyone elses stuff. All this weekend, I FUCKING HATE THIS WORLD SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!! Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: Machine Head - White Knuckle Black-Out (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 23rd, 2004
9:11 pm	Meh... Fuck all to wirte tonight, tierd, ill (recovering from a cold) and talking to Rach, I miss her atm, dunno why, just do a bit. Meh... Tierd, chris has finished with doing stuarts room, the kitchen, and the bathroom so their all sorted at last, thats cool... tierd, gonna go to bed soon. Going fishing tomorrow with John'O and gotta figure out some way of getting to Ali's on Mon coz Neil's not replying to any of my messages... bastard, so I'm prob fucked there.. I'll update in a while..... Current Mood: tired Current Music: Blood Hound Gang - I Hope You Die (Comment on this)
Monday, October 18th, 2004
7:10 pm	And the bitter sweet dreams are made of tears, in fear we trust...... I've just had a bloody hectic weekend, been feeling all over the place too, so heres a quick update.... Fri: Woke up in a bloody foul mood, had a FUCK OFF huge arguement with mum in teh car, stormed out and didnt go home, spent my £20 for this week on draw, saw Neil Tom and Jamie and went down to the river to get a lil fucked, I was ok coz I only had one lesson which I think I went to...:S anyway, went to Toms and stayed there for a bit then went out to some party Leanne had told him we could go to, we got kicked out and Tom missed out on a whole join talking privately to Leanne, I recon shes fucking him around lil bitch, he's given up on her now and this could mean he's gonna end up loosin his nut occationally again, which is lame to say the least, I worry about him, poor sod.... anyway, we got througherly trashed out of our skulls and could find ou thow to get home so walked through the bloody woods in the dark paranoid out of our skins, to chalgrove then teh extra 4 miles home from there, Id say we covered about 6-7 miles at least that night, some heavy walking. Sat: Got a lift home with Chris who wanted a word with mother dearest, so everybody was all jolly hockey sticks, cunts.... then set up ready for Stuarts party, now that was fucking hectic, eaded up with melting glass on my cheek which fucking hurt, and has burned pretty badly, probibly gonna scar, and on my finger tips where I tore it out of my flesh, had to look after the lil fuckers who started pukeing their brains out, got the paramedics out for one of em, who sorted herself out towards the end, the silly bitch, Tom couldnt arrive till about 7:30 so I had an hour and a half with 20 piss head teenagers and no help at all, Dad turned up at about 8:30 to give us a hand, got in serious shit with Cathy as a result though, I fucking hate her sooo much, whore.... anyway, naighbouors threatened to call the pigs so half of em ran off, meh..... was chaseing the lil cunts half the night, had a load of twats trying to gate crash, and all sorts, was pretty fucked up night, also had Tom gettin reather depressed about leanne, and stuart makeing an arse out of himself. Couldnt get much sleep and so was pretty fucked next morning..... Sun: Nothing major during the day, cleaering up mainly, sorting out my burns etc, seeing all the lil kiddies off home blagh blagh blagh, then Aidan invited me to a party at his so I went to that, got fucked out of my face lol, drank a shit load. Taught FranK, Dave, Ben, Aidan and Ross all how to well dance and they loved it, we were all well dancing for about half an hour before we all collapsed, was headbanging tiopless in the kitchen while playing air instroments with Dave and Ben for a while, got through Imperium, Bite the Bullet, Vim, All Falls Down, and Wipe The Tears before my vocals gave way from too much shouting and smokeing, was thougherly lashed after that to say the least lol, Today: Been going around all day with a hangover, bad one too, only went to DT today, but thats mainly because I forgot my sketch book more then anything, its worn off now dure to lots of water adn asprin since I got home etc, I hate asprin, bad memories.... Im bloody nackered. Chris and James had been working on the house while I was in Collage, done a hell of a lot, put a first coat over the entire kitchen ceiling, and stripped and plastered al the walls in the bathroom, its nice to see it finaly comeing together for once, sooner we move the better, Was talking to Neil and Ben most of the day about our plans for world domination, its fucking brillient, comic as hell.... Anyways, thats the update, I am the man, and I need some food, Dosvidanya people.... Current Mood: complacent Current Music: Cradle Of Filth - Of Dark Blood And Fucking (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 14th, 2004
8:07 pm	Right...... OK yet again I've ended up skipping Turorial and Art AS due to being stonned, so Im outa cash, in shit and somehow gotta pay back Tom and afford the Machine Head Tickets too, £30 apparently according to Tom.... hmm.... Managed to find Neil today, went out for a pair of Joints in the graveyard, I like it there, its better then the river, more comfortable, but also more comprimiseing...... everything comes at a price. Went a bit weird last night, very hateful, of everything, just ended up going to sleep and wakeing up like a mess.... Im bloody tierd now, talked Nick today too finally, that was cool. Also went to my workshop lesson of D&T and coaught up with everyone else within 10 mins of the lesson coz their all so slow and crap at it. Its so frustraiting, got bollocked for not wearing overalls though, grrr.... Today was so dry, ened up just useing the last of Neils Batch, I hope its not as dry tomorrow, got some money then.... should be good.... Next week theres going to be nomore stonning till the weekends! But I still have tomorrow after art to get fucked ha ha!! Got shit loads of work to do for art, Im going to do it this weekend I've decided, I wont have enough money to go into Reading again, so might as well get on with some actual work I've decided, should mean I get Biddy off my back at least, which is more then simply a good thing, its fantastic. I've noticed my vocabulary dimisnishing, going to have to lay off seriously, I can tell its really starting to fuck me round here.... Tom went into Reading today with Leanne and Thingy... Bugger it, I'll see him tomorrow and on sat, he's acting as a bouncer with me from my bro's piss up thing, should be a laugh.... God Im bored, found my tourqe wrench though, which is a fat lot of good seeing as I've now fucked up the breaks so its not much use.... Charli was a bit random earlier, wasnt talking to her, then shes sends me a single kiss in convo then goes offline immediately...... hmmm..... maybe she was concerned about me after last night or something I dunno, but whatever the reason its not something Im used to, Rach did that kinda thing before I went out with her, :S I dunno whats going on atm, Im not sure I want to, its prob just too obvious. Oh well, another day, same old shit.... Current Mood: bored Current Music: Rammstein - Spieluhr (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 13th, 2004
9:36 pm	Fuck Off! WHY CANT I FUCKING CRY ANYMORE!?! WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I DO IT!? I feel so fucking shit, Im too fucking sober now too, for FUCKS SAKE! I FUCKING HATE BEING POOR! And I don't mean fucking spoilt brat poor I mean actually poor, genuinely. No money, no booze, no drugs, no fags, nothing! I JUST WANNA GET FUCKED FOR GODS SAKE! I fucking hate myself so much right now, who I am, what I've become, what I could ever been, what I will be, who I was, everysingle thing about me. I FUCKKING HATE IT! Every time Isee my reflection I want to beat the shit out of it, destroy the freak weakling behind the glass. The sick fuck behind a cowards face! FUCK OFF!!! I just wanna slice and cut, hack and slash sobadly right now, cry till I can cry no more, fight till I destroy myself, I dont want to be here, I dont want to be me. I hate everything, the fake, the lier, the coward, the reject, the obsolete. DESTROY IT ALL< DESTROY MYSELF! I just want to cry, and I can't. I can't even cry anymore. Someone take me away from here, from myself. I might aswell face it. Im addicted... Its back, the depresson, the hate, the rage... the pain.. Need more drugs.. less reality... Alone, so alone, always will be. Always should be.. Current Mood: distressed Current Music: Cradle Of Filth - The Forest Wispers My Name (1 Comment |Comment on this)
7:36 pm	Another Day, Another Trip, Same emptyness Heya people, if anybody even reads this... who am I kidding, like you give a fuck! I've just had a fucking shit day, Tom whineing about me getting stonned too much, Biddy telling me Im not working hard enough and I have to do more then everybody else and laying into me, I hate her so much. Had Neil go off for a joint at lunch when we were ment to be jamming, WITHOUT me! Been stuck around by myself practically and done nothing, smoked, finally found some dude with some hash, Fucking hash,rolled pretty well and I made a KILLER join, but Im sobering up now. was tripping but sobering on the bus and just dreaming of Tanith again, I dont know why, but even after going out with Jenny and Rach since her shes still the only person I miss. Feel like ballin my fuckin eyes out right now. I looked at my reflection when I got back today, what an ugly twat, I fucking hate myself, anyone who says I have even the remotest of good features in eather apperance or personality is a fucking lier, a fake, like me.... I wanna just sit and cut my fucking arm right off, stripp it to the bone, feel so shit. Its coz Im alone, and missing Tanith...again... Just feel so empty without her... I hate being stonned by myself, Ijust want her here. Found out that girl has a boyfriend so she cant fancy me, and as for Charli, shes jsut really fucked upabout her ex. I dont really wanna get involved there If I can help it, just want simplicity back, want Tanith.... Its been over a year, how fucking Pathetic am I?! been talking to her, dont let it slip Im still such a useless twat about her even though she's perfectly happy on her own. It would never happen again, but who else is there?! Will I ever feel that again?! Fuckin doubt it anytime soon thats for sure...... Also ran into My form tutor, mums been writeing letters to the collage about me, apparently its all suspicious, so Im fucked there... I've fucked up again already... great.... Somebody fucking shoot me!?! I wanna play bass but whats the point?! Im fucking shit!!! Im fucking shit at everything I do, a fucking waste of space, nobody gives a shit anymore, espeshally not me. Fuck it, Im gettin fucked tomorrow off my face. I dont care anymore. Im so fucking alone, my friends are falling away from me, and the only thing to keep me feeling alive is the dope.... I want some now, or a fag. And coz Im fucking poor I have neither. I just wanna cry, want someone or something to hold onto, I am and have nothing. The thearpy only ever stopped that reaching my mind anymore, but its returned... Its all returning, why hide from it... I have so much work, Im not going to do any of it, why not just fail again, I dont care.. Im already a failure.... Already dead when breathing at times... I wanna be alone now, you've just read my mind, how sad? How pathetic? How much of a wannbe? A fake? "Let me take your pain to unleash upon the worthy, take your grief and level a soul to dispair...." Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Machine Head - The Burning Red (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 12th, 2004
7:39 pm	Right...... Yet again I sit here, head pumping and work to be done, but I must find the space for my mind to reveal itself into a context of words for analysis. So the events of today? had a Jamming sesson this morning, takeing in Slugfucker tomorrow so we can jamm properly, Neil is actually bloody good on guitar, so when he and I have frees instead of just getting stonned we're going to Jam more, he's also really easy to play alongside unlike alot of people I know, which is another bonus, TOms interested in doing some vocals till he can get his Ironbird, so thats something lese off my shoulders thankgod, gonna do some hwk for thurs tonight so I can get stonned tomorrow, got pretty trashed today, but went to both lessons and actually did some pretty good work too which was supriseing to say the least. Im quite enjoying collage, its so much better then 6th from, Toms gettin really worried about me gettin stonned so often, I think as of next week Im only doing in on weekends or a friday night, its cheaper that way and I dont endup fucking up my collage. Bedrooms still not finished, thats really getting to me, its so annoying and so time consumeing....*sigh* feeling a lil down now, but I recon thats the skunk, I really want some fagts too but Im outa money and fags.....grrr.... Also my suspisions about Leannes freind were streingthaned by her constantly stareing me today whenever we were in eyesight of each other, she is rather good lookin, but Idont know her, meh.... Was reading Charli's journal earlier, remeinds me of last year after Tanith, I hope for her sake she ends up better off then I did in that situation........lotta bad memomories, dark times..... I recon the best thing for her atm is space to find herself, she ended up becomeing someone else, like I did.... I hate that side of me so much, may it rest forever more never to rise again..... dark mood tonight.... very anti-myself, yet outsider.... again I think due to the drugs, gonna cut down next week... But doing Coke on Fri maybe, hmm...... should be a laugh.... I was looking at my scars earlier today, thats when things started gettin me down, today I feel like a fake, a wannabe (even though there are people who immatate me like some kinda icon at collage lol) some kinda outsider to myself.... Just gotta keep releaseing them instead of bottleing it up like the shrink said.... it makes me feel week letting go of emotions, Id much rather be my old self, but I know thats dead.... Time to jsut accept things the way they are,and keep pushing my way through life..... Current Mood: discontent Current Music: Lighthouse Family - Postcard From Heaven (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, October 11th, 2004
9:41 pm	Soooo............ Fuck my head is pounding..... got sod all sleep last night and had an almost full day at collage, plus 2 lessons with Biddy...Grrrr and no gange, which I guess is a good thing, just wanna get stonned though... hmm...... I guess I should just give it a break, been on teh stuff for 3 weeks solid now.... hmmm...... Oh well, in other events, I went to the docs today, uselss bastard, all he had to say was go the the gym and that I was only a lil underweight for someone my size, and he could find nothing medically wrong with me, so more or less fuck off cunt Been sooo tierd recently..... Having a Jamming session on weds, should be good, no drugs to take my mind away I guess..... sonner Neil and Tom get their own guitars the better.... Alex and I cant really do much untill they do, I know Neil will practise but Im not so sure about Tom, he will to start with but not keep it up or enough of it really, oh well, we can but hope.... Was hanging around the collage today withTom dureing our free and ended up spending an hour in Leianne and her friends company..... her bloody friend kept insisting on wearing my bong hoodie so I kicked all teh change from her weird coat while I was wearing it.... I think from her body language and method's of behaviour she has a small crush on me, nothing major, but a slight attraction, maybe more...hmm.... I think her older sisters in on of my art lessons.... not sure if their even related though, just guessin..... hmmm..... so confusseling.... grrr.... Should be going into Reading this weekend, should be good, might see Charli, or might not, who knows.... should be good to get out for a bit on my own though And plus might be able to get my nipples done if My pay check clears, Tom forgfot to hand in my job application form but he should do soon, I trust him... Filming money, cant wait for it, peircings and a new bass, WHEEEYYYYYY!!!!!!!!! Im off to do some shitty coursework now prob, if I can arsed..... Current Mood: blah Current Music: Union Underground - South Texas Deathride (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 10th, 2004
9:57 pm	Yes........No.........What?. Howdy, long time since I've kept a Journal..... time to get back into it, give myself some freedom of thought..... so how have things been going??........weird, thats how.... hmmm.... Not alots happend really, seen Papa Roach the other week and waiting to see Machine Head again soon..thats gonna rock..... broke up with Rach.. got back into contact with Tanith.... thats really weird... Got a new phone and watch, and maybe a new job.... well thats the actual events.teh rest is a mess.... been getting stonned too much, been flunking collage to do it, so I've gotta cut down I think. Been gettin a bit meh... lonely and a lil depressed of late too..... hardly speaking to Mike anymore either, that kinda sucks, but finally got a band together with all the parts nessisary to get some decent music flowing...thank god!! Me tthis girl called Charli on faceparty, some bastards hacked my account so I cant get in now, but I'll sort that out later.... anyway, shes very hot, but not sure about my chances there, we'll have to see.... it would be good to be with someone local for a change.....hmmm.... oh well as I said we'll see, not gettin my hopes up yet.... Been playing alot of bass, learning loads of new songs completely, nearly masterd half of em already which is good, and practiseing my vocals too.... Shit loads of collage work to do tonight, just what I need after decorateing my room, fucking marvolus, means I have to see Biddy tomorrow......god I hate her with a passion grrrr...... Gotta see Iam Simmons too, explain my absences... cant exactly say to him "Sorry couldnt come to lesson on thurs coz I was stonned off my face and got confussed" now can I?!.... things are getting weirder and weirder...was eyeing up Nikki the other night.. apparently she has major issues anyway, and Im not too impressed by her.. gets some good gancge though..... hmm.. need something to do seeing as MSN has fucked up royal tonight....grrrrr bloody yanks......gotta sleep on the pissing floor tonight aswell how LAME!!! oh well could always be worse...and Im sure it will be soon knowing my luck, trying to keep a streight face and stay calm/happy, not working alot atm, getting down a fair bit, I think I just need tofind my feet and someone else to fall back onto at least, things are fucking me up atm..... grrrr...... bugger it Im off, write in here later maybe.... Current Mood: tired Current Music: Billy Talent - Voices of Violance (1 Comment |Comment on this)